happy day

he's too happy. that guy i had a crush on. how can anyone be that happy??? i don't get it. is it for real? does this really happen? are people genuinely that happy 24/7? personally, i have never met anyone that is. well. now i guess have. if i count him. i haven't actually met him. i saw him. at that movie screening. and if he really is, is what i am questioning, really that happy i mean? the reason he seems insufferably happy is that every two minutes he says on his website that he is.

sigh.

such a thing i have never known.

when i was just 21, i met an incredibly handsome man who told me he loved me. we moved in together in a tiny garden apartment in san francisco. he was probably one of the most beautiful men in the world. his smile would light up the sky. i worked at a very popular café in fisherman’s wharf. every night I would take a cab home after work. at the end of a shift we all had a drink. when I went to get mine i heard this voice saying: “don’t drink that.” i hesitated. i could hear it clearly, but i also was perturbed. i wanted to drink it. as i reached over to pick it up again, this voice clearly said, “don’t drink that.” i went to finish the last few things i needed to do, and kind of angrily came back and had a sip or two, but then i threw it out. it was not understandable what i had heard, but it was jarring enough to make me stop. when I got home it was after 3:00 in the morning. my handsome guy had left a note on the bed saying he had to go to pick up some things in tahoe with his friend and left the keys to his truck for me in case I needed it. he said he would be back the next day. i remember thinking to myself- i had never stayed home alone. i was a little nervous, but took a deep breath and took off my uniform to wash in the sink. that's when I heard the sound. i didn’t know what it was. without thinking, i opened the door to look outside. the night was very dark, but over the fence i saw a man with the most terrifying expression on his face and he was climbing the wall! the sounds he was making were like out of the exorcist. i went into a panic and started to run, but it was so dark and in my panic i lost my sense of direction. we lived down a small alley and i ran straight into a wall- i heard him behind me. i thought, this is it, i am going to be raped and i am going to be murdered. somehow, i made it around the corner and into the street. every door on that block had a steel iron gate on it. there was nowhere to go for help. just at that exact moment, a taxi turned down the street. i flagged him down and jumped in the car. i was completely naked. i asked him to give me his jacket and call the police.

it turned out that armed police had been staked in the neighborhood. they were looking for a serial rapist. he wasn’t caught. the next day, there was a note on our truck saying, “i'm still watching.”

if I had been drinking, there is no doubt in my mind i would not have been able to react as quickly as i had, or may even have just passed out in bed and been victimized. who was that voice? how had I heard it? more important, why did I pay attention that time?